[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?