cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
You Might Also Like
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy