Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
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Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER