So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Jokes on them. I took 10.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
🤣😂
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.