Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
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Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.