THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what