The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
yea so i messed up lol
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic