Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
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Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁