*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
time for some seasonal decor
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life