Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The game has officially changed 😎
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
peak technology
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*