If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
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A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce