[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
smartest karate player in the world
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
this is the greatest thing ever
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.