I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
You Might Also Like
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!