[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations