My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
lmfao
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.