Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me