The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand