[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
this country is so goddamn polarized
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?