Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.