If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.