Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked