People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
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i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.