The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
How to make infinite energy.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.