i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
You Might Also Like
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
They grow up so quick
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you