[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle