Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
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*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?