[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.