me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!