When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
You Might Also Like
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Leaving the Barbers like
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.