I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Great Canadian literature.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”