“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
You Might Also Like
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.