Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
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found this cool rock hiking today
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.