Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
You Might Also Like
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right