lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I’ve had relationships like this
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
c’mon!
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Golf would be better with landmines.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.