Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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Netflix and awkward silence?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs