Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
You Might Also Like
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.