When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Seek kebab; not attention
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news