[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
You Might Also Like
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Lmao
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”