Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
This rocks
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.