A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When I said I liked it rough.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I enjoy a good short stor
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.