People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
So creative 😂
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: