3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”