A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
You Might Also Like
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Nothing to do, you say?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.