Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Thursday
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.