I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
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Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
There’s only one good girl here!
Can’t stop laughing
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.