When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
my first day as a raccoon
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.