Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I can’t be the only one 😂
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
When your man makes a valid point
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!