I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
That eye roll….
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Watson was Holmes schooled
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
No, he would not have.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.