Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.