Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them